Push and Pull

I am a police officer.

I am also a wife, a daughter, a friend and a comrade.  But my most important role is that of a mother.

My job means the world to me.  My children mean more.

Sometimes these two worlds collide, pulling me in two different directions and I am hard pressed to make the best decision.  

__________________________

March 3, 2005.

Meyerthorpe, Alberta

End of Watch for RCMP Officers Peter Schiemann, Anthony Gordon, Lionide Johnston, and Brock Myrol.

The world watched as our country grieved the loss of these four men. 

__________________________

Young children are not immune to tragedy.  They ‘get it’. 

I told my kids what happened in Alberta as I refuse to allow them to grow up in a bubble.  The Meyerthorpe Incident was all over the news so they were going to hear about it anyways, and I’d rather they hear the facts from me. 

The whole incident seemed to confuse them.  They couldn’t understand why someone would want to shoot and kill another person, and they definitely could not understand why someone would kill a police officer.  Their comprehension about the incident went deeper, and they made the connection.  Mom was a police officer.  Someone might shoot and kill mom.

For weeks afterwards, my children were always near, like little moons orbiting a planet.  They crawled into our bed in the middle of the night, something they had not done for a while. 

One afternoon as I readied myself for work, my daughter came into the room.  Her eyes were solemn and she looked about to cry.  She clung to me when I hugged her.  I kissed the top of her head and told her I would be okay, but she shook her head and the tears finally fell.  She would not let go.

___________________________ 

This is what I mean by push and pull.  Trying to make this world a safer place for your children pushes you one way.  Having your children cling to you, begging you not to go to work because they fear you may not come home pulls hard in the other direction.

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